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Writer's picturedrjennifer_tauks

Listening Without Fixing


As a therapist, I am constantly listening. I work hard to create a “holding space” for my clients. This is a sacred place where I listen unconditionally while allowing the person to express their vulnerabilities. It provides a physical, mental, and emotional support, while being present and refraining from judgement. However, as a parent, this is one of the most challenging practices to adhere to when attempting to support your child’s needs. Our natural tendency is to jump into “fix-it” mode and alleviate their discomfort.


It is no shock when I hear parents say to me, “my kid never listens to me” or “I told my child what to do, but they didn’t.” I know that parents are coming from a helping place and want to support their child. However, the end result usually ends with some form of an argument between the child and parent, and nobody feels heard or understood. As early as the onset of middle school, research has shown that middle schoolers do not confide in their parents-and do not feel that parents are really listening to them when they say they are. Children often report that their parents “interrupt” or say “it’s no big deal” without listening to their thoughts and feelings.


It is important to show your child that you are listening. The act of listening opens the door to modeling age-development milestones and empowers your child to use these tools when handling situations with adults and peers. It fosters a better relationship with you and helps your child build better relationships with others. Listening demonstrates respect inside and outside of the family. Emotionally, you are helping your child learn to regulate their emotions, make better choices, increasing self-confidence, and continue to have a stable foundation for on-going healthy communication.


Here are some approaches to create a holding space with your child, listen to what they are saying, and knowing the right time to intervene.


Create the Space

· Manage your judgement

· Be kind & curious

· Pay attention to your body language

· Be open to emotions that may come up


Often times the best thing we can do for someone is to simply sit with them. It helps the person feel seen and heard.


Actively Listen

· Put down your phone (we are all guilty of it)

· Focus on what your child is saying

· Refrain from responding or offering a way to “fix-it”

· Make eye contact with your child

· Try not to judge-reflect back to what you hear (even if you don’t agree with it)

· Advice and problem solving can come later


As a parent, you are trying to build up empathy so your child feels like you heard or understood them.


Appropriate Interventions

· Reflection-repeat back what your child says without twisting or interpreting it

· Offer encouragement-phrases like “That sounds difficult, what can I do to help?” or “You sound stressed. Sounds like your test was really tough.”

· Reassure them-remind them that you trust and believe in them


It is important not to force your child to talk. Usually that backfires on the parent and the child becomes more resistant. My go-to phrase is always, “When you are ready to talk, I am here.” This lets your child know you are open, listening, and when they are ready to talk, you will have the door wide open for the conversation.



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Amy Geller
Amy Geller
Apr 21, 2021

excellent insight! Sharing this everywhere

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